I Became the Drug-Addicted Childhood Friend

Chapter 69

Anything... I’ll do anything for the medicine.

My body and mind were already long ago conquered.

When the effects of the drugs wear off, I try to act normal, but just a little while later, I end up like this.

It hurts so much I want to die.

But if I die on my own, Shihu will be sad.

And that’s something I can’t bear.

I just want to be happy.

I just want...

A normal...

Life...

"Where’s the doctor?"

It’s because of that person.

The reason Shihu left me in this place.

Who do you think caused me to start using drugs in the first place?

A doctor.

If there hadn’t been any drugs, Seo Ah would have lived happily with Shihu.

Whether she went to the Academy or not, she would have been fine!

With this mind of mine, I could never have been a hero.

Seo Ah was just an ordinary person.

Just a regular citizen who longed to be a hero.

"The doctor... where...?"

It’s a relief.

It’s a relief that there are other people to blame besides just me.

Thank goodness!

Let’s blame everything on you, doctor!

Bad adult!

The only adult Seo Ah could depend on was the doctor at the relief station.

But one day, the station disappeared.

One day, a strange doctor appeared.

"The real doctor... where..."

Where could he have gone?

I wouldn’t know.

He’s not even a character in the novel.

Just someone I found in Seo Ah’s memory.

"Please, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop."

I mutter, not even knowing what I’m asking to stop.

Lately, these meaningless mutterings have become more frequent.

I say anything and then make up a reason for it.

"The weather’s cloudy."

What kind of line is that?

There was a space for writing about the weather in my childhood drawing diary.

"The weather’s cloudy."

Why did I say it twice?

I don’t know.

"Shut up. It’s noisy."

I say it’s noisy.

Why is that?

"There’s no way you don’t know."

I know it’s the noise in my head.

It’s so loud, I feel like I’m going to die from it.

Thinking hurts.

Just existing hurts.

"Ahhhhh..."

I cradle my head with both hands.

I curl up, pulling my knees close.

This is the only way I can feel somewhat at ease.

"Help me..."

Someone, anyone, please help.

I’ve been asking for help for so long.

I knew the world was cold.

But I still hoped for some mercy.

I wished for it, but...

"Ahh... Please. Stop. Stop! Stop. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Enough. I’ve suffered enough. I know I’m already far behind. I know I’m less than others. I know I’m not even human. I’ve already suffered enough, so please, please, I know I can’t do this, so stop."

Who am I begging?

"I don’t know! I don’t know!"

I said I didn’t know.

It’s noisy.

"Hehe..."

I laugh.

It feels good to laugh like this.

Laughing in situations where I should never be laughing.

Today, I feel like shit, and tomorrow will be the same, and the day after, and the next day, and the next.

I’m scared that tomorrow might get worse.

How far can I fall?

There’s no end to falling.

And still, it’s noisy.

My head is noisy.

Someone must have left music on.

"Ah..."

My mind feels like rubber, stretching endlessly.

To the limit.

And then, with a sudden snap, it breaks.

...

...

...

Silence.

Silence is golden.

A cracked mirror needs to be replaced.

But I thought the broken glass shards were beautiful.

Actually, I don’t see a mirror.

There’s no glass either.

There’s nothing.

But there might be a sliver of hope.

That’s why I’m still alive.

If I walk far enough, someday this hell will end.

Shihu will help me.

...

...

...

...

Silence.

Stay quiet. Stop talking. Close your mouth.

But it’s too loud.

"Slice your thoughts into pieces and eat them."

I can’t eat them.

"I don’t want to hear the music."

The loud music.

[Activated]

The music keeps playing in my head.

My strength is coming back.

I can feel the magic in the air.

The door opened.

[Deactivated]

It’s closed.

The music keeps spinning in my head, like a record.

The DJ left, so that’s a problem.

"Someone, turn the volume down..."

But at least I have the energy to speak.

It seems like Shihu has come.

"Seo Ah? Are you okay?"

It’s Shihu.

It’s really Shihu.

"I’m sorry. I should have come sooner."

Shihu apologizes.

"Ah, you’re here?"

These days, I often confuse hallucinations or dreams with reality, so I have to be careful.

Should I really be careful about this?

My head is a little less noisy now.

"Yeah, I’ve prepared everything. We can leave right now."

"Where to?"

"Another city... maybe a rural area. Anyway, a safe place. Let’s go together."

Was that the plan?

I wonder.

It’s very different from the novel.

"Are you helping me?"

"Huh? Yeah. Of course."

Let me confirm.

I just need to figure out why Shihu is helping me.

I’ve come up with several theories, but the most plausible ones are these.

Hypothesis 1: Shihu’s pure goodwill toward a friend.

Hypothesis 2: Shihu wants something else.

Hypothesis 2-1: Shihu will help me even after getting what he wants.

Hypothesis 2-2: Shihu will abandon me after getting what he wants.

"You don’t need to try so hard."

"Huh?"

"If you want something, just say it. I’ll do whatever I can."

"I just want you to come with me."

Shihu says, slightly flustered.

What he wants.

What he desires.

What I can give.

"Anyway, you’ve seen all the scars, but if you want this body, I’ll give it to you. But seriously, it’s really loud."

He’s talking about the music.

"...Huh?"

"You can do whatever you want with me. Anything. Isn’t that what you want?"

Shihu’s expression stiffens.

***

What is Seo Ah saying?

Shihu feels as if he has been struck, and he continues listening to Seo Ah’s words.

"I know what you’re worried about…"

She says this calmly, then smiles as if she knows everything.

"What if Seo Ah is just trash? What if she’s been using her body carelessly, going around abusing herself? Is that what you're worried about?"

Was she thinking that?

Shihu thinks he understands how Seo Ah perceives him.

A part of his heart aches.

"Why don’t you check for yourself? I don’t know, so..."

She says this while starting to undo the buttons on her shirt.

Click.

Shihu grabs Seo Ah’s wrist.

He’s scared he knows what she’s about to do.

"Don’t."

The hand holding Seo Ah’s wrist is trembling.

"Stop it, Seo Ah. Don’t do this."

"Why? You told me to say if I wanted something. Shihu, I... have nothing left but my body."

Each word Seo Ah speaks makes Shihu’s heart sink.

A painful tightness presses on his chest.

"I’m scared, I feel like I’m losing my friend more and more. No, Seo Ah. You...”

Seo Ah’s expression hardens in an instant.

Her eyes tremble, and he sees the remains of her broken self-esteem.

Was it a slip of the tongue?

"Yeah. Shihu."

She forces a smile and continues.

"I’m not Seo Ah anymore. I’m just some semblance of her. The friend you knew is already dead. Let’s hold a funeral for her. Seo Ah disappeared a long time ago."

She hasn’t disappeared.

Never.

Shihu grips her wrist tighter.

"No, you haven’t disappeared. You’re still here. I’m looking at you. It’s you here."

She hasn’t disappeared.

Desperation and faint anger mix in his voice.

"Whatever you think, whatever happened... I still don’t want to let you go. So..."

"Shut up."

Seo Ah says this because of the music, but there is no music in Shihu’s ears.

He’s grown used to being rejected.

Shihu is only expressing his own will.

"I’m sorry."

Shihu releases the hand holding Seo Ah’s wrist.

Then, with both hands, he gently takes hers.

"But you can’t throw yourself away like this… Don’t cast yourself aside. It will get better. So please..."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Please.

Shihu hopes with all his heart that Seo Ah will be okay.

He wants to see her smile again, the smile from before.

He wishes for the day when she can laugh freely.

Seo Ah, with Shihu’s hands holding hers, finds a moment of calm.

At least, it seems that way.

"Then, you know..."

"Yeah?"

"I was trying to say something... but it’s so noisy I forgot."

"Huh?"

"It’s noisy, isn’t it? It’s chaotic."

By now, Shihu has come to understand the meaning behind Seo Ah’s words about the noise.

She’s thinking something is noisy.

Something other than his words.

"Ah, I remembered."

Seo Ah holds Shihu’s hand with both of hers.

"Why did you do that? Why did you say those things? Why did you try to strangle me to death? Do you still hate me? Is it because I tried to kill you? I’m sorry. But you probably still hate me, right? You still think I’m suspicious. You know, Shihu, broken trust can never be repaired. It’s noisy."

She pours out her words.

"I’m sorry. That was the side effect of the purification skill. If you really believe I was going to do that... rest assured, I never wanted to. Please, don’t worry."

"Ah? Side effects. Hmm. I see. Hmm. I think I said something like that. Sorry, my memory hasn’t been great lately..."

Seo Ah speaks quietly.

You can see how her emotions change rapidly.

"It’s okay."

"I don’t know anything."

"If you don’t know, then just come with me. That’s enough for now."

"Ah, noisy... I’m not crying, no. I’m not... I mean, this isn’t it."

Seo Ah mutters, sounding confused.

Shihu wonders if he’s playing music in her head again, but he can’t tell.

"...This isn’t it... I’m going, but... Shihu, you understand what I’m saying, right? It’s like... this... ah... ah... ah..."

"Take your time."

"Ah, um... sorry."

Seo Ah speaks in a voice that sounds like she’s about to cry.

"It’s okay. It’s not too late. You’re not alone."

He whispers softly.

Maybe these are the words Shihu himself wanted to hear.

It’s not too late.

It’s not too late.

Not yet.

Not yet.

"Hehe... He..."

Seo Ah is still laughing.

It must not be too late.